We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
