i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
There's always time for handjobs
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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