Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
