i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
