If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
