Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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