I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
