Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My pussy is not your playground.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
