I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
