i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
