My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
