Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
