He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
