i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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