I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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