shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
