I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
