I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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