That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
