i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
