that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
