dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
