today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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