Don't make out with my wife yet
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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