Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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