stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
