I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
