You're my little dorito
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
