i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
