brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
