I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
