God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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