Sorry, I don't speak sober.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Can you bring me the toilet please
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
