Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
