Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
