Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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