After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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