I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
