my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
