My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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