im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
