I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
