Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
