I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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