I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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