why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
