I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
