I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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