omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
