Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
