batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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