you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
