You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
