There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
