Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
