Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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