The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
