theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
