im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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