12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
