I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
