I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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